Rebecca - A Gentleman’s Companion

There were two great posts that I came across today, both dealing with men, sharing, intimacy, and everyone’s favorite subject, threesomes.

The first  post comes from Catalinaloves, in her dead on post of “7 Lessons About Men“. Here’s an excerpt:

Men really do crave that threesome with another woman, but they would also be happy if you’d just talk about it and fantasize about it without getting uptight.  A lot of men have shared with me that they don’t know if they really could ever go through with a threesome, but that they think it would be hot to just talk about it in bed during sex with their wives.  However, these same men are afraid to even ask for this because of the negativity waterfall it will create by the mere mention of another woman.

The second post comes from Bigger Love entitled “Is Wanting A Threesome Grounds For Divorce“. An excerpt:

Yup, you read that right.  Recently I read this exact question posted on an online advice columnist: “My husband asked me for a threesome, is this grounds for divorce?”

Unfortunately this is how many people think.  They are so afraid of their significant others fantasies that they immediately jump to the most extreme response possible.

If I was answering this question I’d of said: “No, his asking isn’t grounds for divorce, but your reaction to his expressing himself is grounds for him to divorce you.”

I’ve been outblogged. There’s nothing more I can really add to this conversation. But suddenly, I feel….like a sandwich.

Technorati Tags: bigger love, catalina loves, relationship, threesomes

I’m suffering from a bad case of multiple identity disorder. I forget who I am. More accurately, I forget my name. I find myself in social situations where I need to introduce myself, and actually have to stop and think of what my name is in that setting. There are many people who struggle with the dual identity, mostly in having a secretive double life in which the two sides can never meet. I’m comfortable with many of the issues, but uncomfortable with the management skills necessary to keep things separate. I find myself crossing wires and creating confusion.

 To compound the situation, most of the people I know, in various parts of the adult industry, have multiple identities, each one geared towards a specific function. For instance, I might know “Betty” as a blogger, and she also does adult films under the name “Barbara”.  So to me, she becomes “Betty-Barbara”.  By now, it’s normal to me and seems natural. 

 I do forget, however, that to the outside casual observer, the use of multiple identities can be seen as evasive, if not downright deceptive. In most cases, it’s not meant to be deceptive, although some use the ability to have multiple ID’s for deception. It’s simply a way to be involved in multiple fields without a reputation or stigma following to new avenues. A woman that escorts or does porn is often times seen as incapabe of Internet marketing or writing, so the need emerges to begin a new identity with no baggage.

As for my case, I find it more humorous than anything. There has been more than one real-life civie social event where I began to introduce myself as my online, adult persona. And we all know how well “crossing streams” has worked for me in the past. But it’s comfortable, and become a part of who I am.

And I did attempt at creating a new, lightweight persona to handle a few tasks. But it’s too confusing, and doesn’t feel right. A new set of passwords, ID’s, etc is more than I can handle.

I like being me.

Technorati Tags: escorts, identity, porn

I wasn’t going to post anything today, but I ran across this article. If I don’t post it now, I’ll probably forget. I originally found this post on The Real Princess Diaries, so I’m crediting her here. The original source is listed at the bottom.

Courtesans, many of whom have vanished without a trace, were often highly cultivated women who specialized in exchanging artistic graces, elevated conversation, and sexual favors with male patrons throughout history and around the world. Courtesans were present in Japan, China and Italy, where exchange was made through poetry, speech, and music; in pre-colonial India through magic, music, chemistry, politics, economics and other arts.

The following are seven feminine qualities courtesans cultivated within their arts for hundreds of years. Trained in the ways of feminine beauty, they were not only experts in charming, conversing with and enchanting men, many courtesans discovered how to bring their lovers into the highest states of contentment and pleasure. Although many courtesans lived precarious lives and were often kept as secret mistresses, there is much any woman can learn from these elusive women who devoted their lives to appreciating the men in their lives.

The Seven Charms…

Timing
Consider everything you do with a man an erotic preliminary. It may last for an hour or days and weeks. Entirely up to you, timing is the art of offering a gesture, your voice, a touch, or whatever is needed in any given moment. Timing means being keenly observant, on the lookout for what someone likes, and then, at just at the right instant, effortlessly saying or offering a gesture that brings beauty into the space. Usually, timing is an invisible art, for when what is most needed to be said or done is given, the courtesan disappears and gives credit to someone else.

Beauty
Are we born with it, or can we create it? The only thing that matters is that you find yours and trust it. Believe in your beauty. Be willing to be seen, and take joy when you are. Drink in compliments like you are savoring a fine wine. When you are given even a hint of a compliment smile shyly and let it linger. Your shyness can be irresistible.

Wit
Humor and laughter are your greatest assets. Your humor dissolves his insecurities. Your intelligence, delivered with wit will not be felt as competitive. Competing with men, in a direct or overly serious manner dampens their attraction to you. On the other hand, some men love playful, intense competition. They sometimes love to be tested and they love to have powerful women around them. Your power and comments should elevate them in some genuine way. In other words, the key to using your wit in a cheeky way means that you stretch your intelligence and use it to raise his feeling about himself. Then, with wit, a man is more open to being shown where and how he could be even better.

Benevolence
Kindly appreciate any man who praises you. His attraction is flattering, yet it doesn’t mean that you have to do anything but enjoy it. Listening with empathy, resist the temptation to over fix or change his situation. Fully hear where he is and then offer a small ray of hope. A courtesan is a seductress, not a schoolteacher or therapist. Men are highly attracted to the courtesan aspect of a woman - for she likes him as he is. She also lets him know she believes in his ability to make it. Believe in him more than he believes in himself, this is benevolence.

Lightheartedness
Men love gaiety. Your frivolity, your playfulness is highly attractive. It’s delightful to men. The lighter you are the more room there is for others to relax around you. Lighten yourself like a butterfly landing on a branch. Become a carefree power spot, calmly attracting laughter and an easygoing breeze to follow you wherever you go. Your calm relieves a man of his own worries. The brighter, more easygoing you are the stronger and more confident he will feel. It’s even better if you make him feel your sense of gaiety comes from him.

Grace
Grace is elegance in your movements. It also appears in your manner of speaking tenderly and politely in everything that you do. Allowing your graceful movements to be seen and enjoyed, grace is elicited through your eyes in the way you look at him. Your smile accepts him for who he is. Your grace melts away his insecurities, warms his feelings, calms his mind, and calls forth his desire to respectfully enjoy your gifts.

Charm
Even though you may never choose to have sex of any kind with a particular man, convey through your gestures that you could. Give signs of your interest while allowing the mystery of the outcome to remain open. Charm means keeping the possibility of sexual play in the air, why clearly conveying the timing is entirely up to you. He will respect you for this and actually likes the playful tension of the dance. Your openness entices and challenges him to remain in your good graces. He will want to be respectful, not because you outwardly tell him what to do; rather it’s his choice to be courteous. Rather than frustrating a man, temper his eagerness by allowing possibilities of connecting with you to remain possible. Consider his sexual interest as natural and good. Inspire him to offer you delights, and show him your sincere pleasure; thank him when he does.

The Key…
to acquiring the charms of a courtesan is through sincerity and generosity. Regardless of your age or how you look, you can share these qualities and charms not only to delight the men in your life, but to cultivate your soft, enduring feminine nature as well. The best part is that the more you freely give, the more beautiful you feel and thus the more beautiful you will become. Just as a flower effortlessly offers its petals to the sun without expecting anything in return, any woman can give with tenderness whenever she likes. As if dropping a pebble into a pond, watch the vast ripples, the effects of your giving, spreading out and touching others in beauty.

Original Source Quantum Sexuality

Technorati Tags: courtesan, Escort, sex, sexuality

I’m starting a campaign for “Recreational Sex Week”, February 7-14, a week of participating in recreational sex, even if it is just with your primary partner.

 I’ve been giving thought lately to the definition of recreational sex, and think it’s a bit incomplete. By the standard definition, recreational sex is sex with no intimacy or attachment to your sex partner, and usually with a person other than a partner or spouse. What the definition leaves out is the possibility of recreational sex between a committed couple. Why can’t a married or long term relationship couple engage in recreational sex with each other?  It’s participating in sex as a sport,  an extracurricular activity or hobby.

I know there are women out there with the attitude of “I don’t have sex, I make love.” That’s fine for some, but personally, I prefer a combination of both. Casual or recreational sex with my partner allows me to be a bit selfish when I want to, allows me to explore and try new things, and simply enjoy the physical aspect of play.

 For hobby or entertainment purposes, recreational sex is an affordable, satisfying experience. With the stresses of the current economy, a week of stress relief and exploring new sexual concepts can therapeutic as wll as a much needed break from the world around us.

Technorati Tags: recreational sex, recreational sex week

Technorati Tags: open marriage, that lawyer dude, Will Smith

I’m in a weird place right now, a transitional spot of new projects, new concepts, and many, many changes.

Much of the changes happening I haven’t discussed here. However, I have discussed them at Sex In The Public Square. I didn’t want to turn my blog into some sort of pity party, and I felt comfortable writing in more of analytical, “This was rather odd reaction ” type of approach. As a Sci-Fi geek, the only way I can describe it is like Data, from Star Trek, The Next Generation. In a way, I see it more as an outsider, looking at how people react, and trying to understand it myself, similar to how the android is perplexed by the reactions of humans and trying to understand them himself.

 It’s a strange feeling to have many people throughout the blogosphere referring to my situation and recent turn of events since my “outing”. The part that seems weird is having adjectives attached to me that I don’t personally feel. Words like “victim”,  “heartbreaking”, “tragic” are words that I for some reason have a hard time identifying with.

It’s not that I’m brave, honorable, or somehow above it. Part of the problem may be how my brain functions, or doesn’t function. I do have a lack of fear, that little switch in your head that is supposed to go off when danger is close by. Yes, there are a few things that I am scared of, nature for one. But in many cases, that fear switch simply doesn’t go off. I’m not sure if I was just  born without it or if it was somehow turned off years ago.  Add to that a good dose of narcissisum, shake well, and you have me in a nut shell.

Maybe if I had that fear mechanism, my situation would be scary, and fearful. But I don’t believe in the concept of a linear life, one that follows a predetermined course that must be adhered to. Life is seldom that predictable. More often than not, life doesn’t follow that predictable pattern, so to be upset by curves, mountains and valleys would simply be unrealistic.     

Do I mind the adjectives being added? No, not really. It is possible that my situation is all those things, and I am just incapable of seeing it.

Am I comfortable being a poster child for sex work awareness, a Sally Struthers type of orphan, sharing my story to educate the world on the vilification of sex workers? I’m disconnected, maybe I’m too much in the middle of it. But I don’t see myself as an activist, feminist or  advocate. I simply said “Here’s what happened”, and allow other people, with more education, background and experience to analyze it.

If I am uncomfortable with any of it, it would be of perpetuating a stereotype of a glamorized, made-for-TV “Hooker Wife” interpretation of sex work. The fact is that my situation is uncommon and my decisions completely by choice. For many girls, if they were outed would lose their entire life, including their families and children. Typically, the ones who need the most help are the ones that do not have the ability to speak out and ask for it. Those are the people who need to be spoken for. Add to that issues like human trafficking, and issues of sex work become much more complex.

 Maybe it’s just not the arena I choose to fight in.  For Pete, it is unnerving to live with someone who seems to lack the ability to follow the rules and be undamaged when the rules are broken and backlash happens. Between the two of us, he’s the one more likely to stand up against social injustice, or seeing the heroism in getting arrested participating in civil disobedience.

My way of handling it all is different. The best revenge is a life well lived. Through my experiences, there is much I have learned, and would like to share. I am in the process of developing my own lingerie site, RomanticallyRebecca.com. If there is an area to put my fight, it might be there. Consider this the soft launch, as there is alot of work to do on it, visually as well informational. What I don’t want to create is a cliche, a site that somehow would say that the only option after sex work is in toys and lingerie. Where mine will end up will be unique different, just like me. The end result of where I want it to go will take time and lots more work. When it is finished, I hope it will be a site to educate people with knowlege on issues from emotional to female body image.   

With that said, I hope to write more often over the next week,  and get back to doing what I like best, talking about me  :) 

I’ve had an opportunity to blog on a site aimed at middle aged women. I think I might need to be heavily medicated by the time I am done. I often walk away ashamed to be female. Many conversations revolve around men and cheating. Here are some typical responses women have given to a cheating discussion:

“The reason men cheat is because they can”

“Men never cheat because they are ignored at home. That’s always a lie’

“Men by nature have no morals”

Other topics include “My husband has a female coworker. He talks about her often, should I be concerned about an affair?”

 The responses from other women were: 

“Yes be concerned ! ”

“He must be up to something! Confront the female coworker”

“If he continues talking to her, it’s a deal breaker”

Some discussions have to do with women making the unilateral decision to reduce the number of times they engage in sex. Their husbands will just have to “deal with it”. And through the discussions, not one woman even asked if it was fair to make that decision for both the husband and the wife. All responses were that if he is a real man, he’ll get over it, or that it doesn’t really matter because he’s a dog anyway.

What’s rather funny is that through all my escapades, and even all the things that have happened to me lately, I still find that I have a more positive view of sex, men and relationships than most women. I’m completely floored by the attitudes that women have towards their relationships and men. Most seem to think that men are dogs that need to be kept on a tight leash, and a reward and punishment system needs to be in place in order to keep a man in line. It’s no wonder men cheat or hire escorts, especially considering the amount of women that use sex, or the withholding of sex, as a way to manage their husbands.

Maybe my brain is wired incorrectly. I know many escorts who walk away from the business with a dismal view of men. Working as an escort or sex worker, you might be surprised at the number of men who contact you and are completely manipulative, game players, or time voyeurs. It can really wreak havoc with your head mentally if you allow it to. But with anything, you have good people and bad ones.  Work in any kind of retail/sales environment  and you’ll learn that first hand. There are dumb asses in any business & walk of life.

Rather than having a dismal view of men, because of a few bad apples, I have a more harsher view of women. I’m not a woman hater by any means, but I do have a problem with how women view men. There seems to be an adversarial attitude towards men and relationships, and a constant fight for power and control. Rather than seeking a true partner, women seem to be putting themselves in a management type of role, where their husband needs to be managed by rules and punishments. And by putting themselves in that position, they don’t allow for a partnership to occur.

 I’m just totally amazed at how women view themselves, their relationships, and their sexuality. If women want to complain on how their husbands want sex without intimacy, then women need to take some responsibility in that. By reducing it to a reward, or punishment, they have assisted in reducing it to a chore, but then complain of a lack of intimacy.

 I’m also floored on the niche industry aimed at women trying to understand why men cheat. There is a whole industry of books, publications, downloads and magazine articles attempting to explain the male mind, written by men and women. And to be honest, it’s mostly bullshit.  The information they are selling is nothing more than pandering to a woman’s insecurities, and reinforcing what a woman wants to hear. There have been many thoughtful articles and books on the subject, including Philip Weiss’ article in the New Yorker. But thought provoking articles are often pushed to the side for books that reinforce what a woman wants to hear, that men are dogs. It seems that women don’t want to learn the truth, they simply want to fill themselves with information to make themselves feel better. When  told the truth they get angry. They actively choose not to listen, continuing to live in a  land where other women tell them they are right.  When an alternative view is given, their stock answer is “I choose to not believe that.” So they are “choosing” to only believe what reinforces what they think, and not truly looking for understanding. 

It’s very disconcerning to me. I’m amazed at how little we have advanced in our intellectual & analytical thinking of the male counterpart.

Technorati Tags: cheating, marriage, relationships, sex life

 I was browsing through the latest issue of Men’s Health, and it contained a snippet claiming that men who engage in bondage feel less sad, nervous or hopeless than men in general. There’s nothing new there. There have been many reports and surveys that show that people who dabble in alternative lifestyle choices like bondage, swinging and polyamory are happier than the general population.

 
 Of course that shouldn’t be taken as “if you are unhappy, tie up your spouse or take him/her to a swing club”. But it does make perfect sense that someone who has a curiosity towards bondage or other activities, and has the ability to explore, even just in theory, would have a higher level of self acceptance than someone who dismisses their own feelings or refuses to acknowledge their desires.

 In direct contrast, I’ve been visiting a family member who is completely unhappy with her life. At 40 years old, she is struggling financially, raising kids alone, and her life is not what she expected. And adding to her frustration, she has compartmentalized her life into pretty little boxes, all which tell her what life “should be like”. Of course, life never neatly falls into the neat little boxes like on television. In the real world, the boxes break or life spills over from one box to the next. Or even simpler, you are sometimes playing with the wrong boxes.

 
In a way, I think she is dealing with both issues, she doesn’t have enough boxes, and the boxes she does have are just not the right boxes. She struggles with her latest relationship, liking her independence, but also enjoying having a man to spend time with, a booty call with dinner and a movie. She has a boy toy, but refuses to see it as such, because it does not fall into a neat little box of what a relationship “is supposed to be”.  To call him a boy toy or booty call is not the type of box she is supposed to have, so she attempts to put her relationship in a different box, then becomes frustrated that it doesn’t neatly fit. If he calls, she’s being smothered, but if he doesn’t call, he’s a selfish jerk.

 Maybe if she could accept the fact that she has a boy toy, she would be able to define the rules specific to that box, and take the pressure off herself to attempt to make it fit into a box that it doesn’t belong.

 That is why I think that people who play in lifestyles report being happier. They found the box to play in, and feel comfortable playing in the right box, instead of trying to fit their kink into a box it doesnt belong in.

It’s been a whirlwind couple of weeks.

After my return from New York, for the NY Sex Bloggers Calendar launch party, I’ve been inspired and getting my projects lined up.

 I’ve been asked to assist with an online project for outed sex workers, and have agreed to share my story and offer assistance as needed. I’m not an activist by any standard, but I think I do have the ability to put my story out there and speak candidly about the issues and effects of people finding out that you are a sex worker or work in some aspect of the sex industry.

Two times in my life now, the peasants with torches have surrounded the castle. This tells me two things. First, I have the experience, and second, I don’t really learn from my previous mistakes. More on this project as it becomes more defined.

I was asked to blog on a mainstream blog targeted at women over 40. It’s been quite funny. At first, everyone sent me friendship requests and were more than nice. As I jumped into a thread on “Why Men Cheat”, and the fact that I was an escort became known, there was suddenly a chill in the air, followed by dismissals of what I had to say. After about a week, the attitude started to change, with a “Maybe she does know what she’s talking about” tone starting to emerge. Of course, my friendship requests dropped off drastically  LOL.  This will be kind of fun, and interesting, as it continues.

 It’s a time of change, and here’s what I listen to for inspiration.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyooALwfxO8

It’s official, I have a pirate fetish. Agent Provocateur created a new lingerie line with a pirate theme. So they now have two themed collections, a pirate collection and a witch collection.

 The new online video to promote the line, Pirate Provocateur, is an interactive video starring Helena Christensen, the Danish supermodel who starred in the Chris Isaak music video “Wicked Game”. The video is hot, filled with hot pirate women, and hunky young studs, who of course are at the mercy of the sexy pirates.

The hell with International Talk like A Pirate Day, I want a “Dress And Act Like A Hot Pirate Wench And Have My Way With The Sexy Men Pirates” Day.

Technorati Tags: agent provocateur, lingerie, pirates